Crystal Lane


She was intrigued by the lack of emotional stimulation felt deep inside her soul. SHE ONLY SHED ONE TEAR…
She theorized in her spirit that she had been at this place in her life too many too many times before , and these emotions had now been silenced by a concrete wall of avoidance to glisten and make shiny her guilt.

It was only six short months ago she had missed her menses for two months . In her line of occupation, conception was a drawback not a great blessing bestowed upon the most fortunate; thus, it could not be allowed to sustain if she was to be able to sustain her own life. SHE DISTANTLY REMEMBERED THINKING WHAT THE BIRTHDAY OF THE LAST CHILD WOULD HAVE BEEN …
Would that child have looked at her with unconditional approval and devotion as most children do with their mothers .

Thinking back even longer into the past of approximately 12 months, she remembered the exhilaration of the life that time that had stirred within her womb with tremendous defiance that it would not be stifled or stomped out. To be perfectly honest she hardly remembered the day she
went to the clinic. SHE JUST REMEMBERED THAT THE PAIN WITHIN HER HEART THAT NIGHT HAD BEEN EXCEEDINGLY GREATER THAN IN HER WOMB …
She knew she had made some bad and wrong choices and because of these, almost felt her past guilt’s were here pittance to pay to her God for her crimes.
She knew that it had to be her destiny to live through this life with this pain, guilt and shame as her payment for the lifestyle she had ran away and chose at such an early age of 14, to escape the inhumanity of what happened to her at home that she had no control over — but as yet, her mother still did not believe.
She dived into the solace that at least these atrocities were warranted. She was able to at the very smallest level still have control over her thoughts, her spirit and her body, however small and in daunting those controls might be.
As she crossed the street to the mini mart to buy some ibuprofen and steal a bottle of liquor to full her senses. SHE WAS AMAZED AT A FEELING OF ACCOMPLISHMENT. With this response under the surface was also a cloud of guilt. SHE DID NOT BELIEVE SHE WAS CAPABLE OF WHAT SHE HAD COME TO BELIEVE WAS A COMMON PLACE OCCURRENCE IN HER LIFE OF MISERY AND FRAILTY TO SURVIVE .
Everyone knew in 1961 abortion was illegal; and living on the streets of Brooklyn, she had to be able to feed herself and only the really crazy johns would consider ager growing belly desirable…
Deep inside her soul she promised herself there would be no more hangers, backstreet pimps with dirty surgical tools, or never forgetting to save part of her meager earnings for food to buy condoms which for her, were as important as the removal of shackles to a prisoner .
She smiled as she thought how this child she had denied this world would never suffer the humiliation and degradation she had come to accept in her two short years of living on the street.
Somehow this have her peace from all the burdens she felt were weighing down on her like gravity– and it was this subtle irony that allowed her to be able to continue to survive and breath…

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